You're A Targaryen, Jon
by MonstersGlory
Summary: You're A Targaryen, Jon. Bran and Samwell tell Jon the truth, he does not take it well. OOC (Parody of you're a Wizard Harry)(Sense of humor required)
1. You're A Targaryen, Jon

**Hey, first time posting anything. This is just meant to be a little joke so please don't take it too seriously.**

 **You're A Targaryen, Jon.**

Bran and Samwell tell Jon the truth, he does not take it well (Parody of you're a Wizard Harry)

"You're a Targaryen Jon". Bran revealed

"I'm a... WHAT?!" He looked at both of them incredulously.

"Jon, you're a Targaryen." Samwell tries to explain

"I'm a what?!"

"A Targaryen, Jon."

"I'm a Targaryen?!"

"Yes Jon, you're a Targaryen." Sam was pleased he seemed to be getting it, momentarily.

"But I'm just Jon Snow!."

"Well, "Just Jon Snow", you're a Targaryen." Continued Bran.

"But I'm just Jon Snow!"

"No, "Just Jon Snow", you - are a Targaryen!" He repeated, sick of arguing over this.

"Listen here Bran I'm just Jon!"

"NO! Jon, you are Aegon Targaryen!"

"I'm not Aegon Targaryen, Bran, I'm just Jon!"

"Listen Jon, you are a Targaryen!"

"No Samwell, I'm just Jon!"

"Jon, for god's sake, you are Aegon Targaryen!"

"A Targaryen?! I'm just Jon!"

"Nooo, "Just Jon"! You're a Targaryen."

"I'm not a Targaryen, Sam, I'm just Jon!."

"Noooooo. Just Jon. You are a Targaryen."

"I'm not a Targaryen, Samwell!"

"JON, you are a Targaryen!" He insisted.

"Listen here Samwell you FAT OAF! I'm not a FUCKING TARGARYEN!"

"For god's sake Jon! what is with this language?! You're a FUCKING TARGARYEN."

"I don't give a FUCK you FAT HAIRY BASTARD! I'm not a FUCKING TARGARYEN!" Jon yelled back at them both.

"Listen Jon, you're going to ride a dragon and take your place on the iron throne. And you're going to be FUCKING pleased about it!"

"I don't WANT to be your FUCKING King you BASKET CASE! Stick it up your fucking DICK-HOLE!"

"My fucking WHAT?!" Asked Bran, he hadn't expected this outburst at all.

"BRAN, y'er pushing me over the FUCKING line!"

"No I'm not. You are a TARGARYEN! You're going to stop fucking your aunt, you're going to be King, you'll get a crown, you'll get a fucking dragon, it'll fly you round Westeros - DEAL WITH IT. YA TWAT."

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING PUT MY DICK IN THE DRAGON!" Yelled Jon, who was moving his arms in a frightening and unnatural motion now.

"I tried that earlier, and that was a bad move. You, are a TARGARYEN." Bran responded to his cousin.

"I'm a WHAT?!"

"YOU'RE A TARGARYEN JON, FOR FUCK SAKE, LISTEN TO MEH!"

"Samwell, Bran I've been through this I don't give a BLOODY FUCK WHAT YOU BOTH THINK."

"This is NOT negotiable! You come with me you CURLY-HAIRED CUT FUCK SMALL DICK SKINNY CUNT EAT MORE WANKER"

"I'LL FUCKING SET YER BEARD ON FIRE!" He threatened at Samwell.

"'MON THEN YA LITTLE CUNT, SQUARE-GO LIKE!"

"I'LL FUCKING BURST YE'"

"Right you, you little wank stain. If you don't get your act together, I'm gonna drag you to your aunt. You'll get a Crown, you'll get a Dragon that'll deliver your SHITEY ass round Westeros and that'll be that and you'll enjoy it ya' sch-ch-ff-auhhssh-auntfucker."

"I'll fucking GNAW yer ARM off, BRAN!""

"Listen you, get near my arm and I'll slap you across the face like a little BITCH"

"I'll PUMP ye' SILLY."

"C'MON THEN YA CUNT." Sam stood ready to fight now.

"SUCK MAH PIXIE DICK YA CHUBBY TWAT"

"I'll RUPTURE YOUR FUCKING ANUS WITH MAH MASSIVE BEAR COCK"

"I'll RIP YER GIANT DICK OFF AND BASH YE ACROSS THE JAW WITH IT"

"LET'S GO RIGHT NOW BRING IT ON YA LITTLE WANK."

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 **Authors note:** Hope I put this in the right category, please tell me if otherwise and I will correct myself.

 **Update** as per a reviewer's suggestion I have edited some of the wording in regards to mail.

 **Update** Noticed some more mistakes and corrected them.


	2. Welcome To Winterfell

**Hey, decided to do part two  
**

 **Welcome To Winterfell (You're a Targaryen Jon part two)  
**

Shortly after Bran and Samwell try and explain to Jon about his true identity, Tyrion and Daenerys address those gathered at Winterfell. (Based on Your a wizard Harry part 2)

* * *

"Tyrion's gonna say a few words to you now so you all better pay some attention now yea?" Daenerys sat down at the high table allowing Tyrion to speak.

"Good evening Lords of the north and various vagrants picked up along the way and welcome, Winterfell, you'll all proberbly die here! Remember; the first floor is off-bounds to anyone who doesn't wish to die a most painful sexual death! Very evil demons are in the first floor. Very evil INDEED. They have TWELVE PENISES. They will INSERT THEM into your ORIFICES! VERY DEEP INSIDE and they will RUPTURE your INSIDES"

"Tyrion, I think we've just, we've got a few other things to talk about first."

"SHUT IT YOU STUPID WOMAN!"

"No. You do not talk to me like that these days"

"THEY NEED TO BE AWARE OF THE PENISES INSIDE OF THE VAGINA!" He informed her indicating with his hands.

"No, they don't. You little sick man!"

"It's VERY IMPORTANT it's VERY DANGEROUS!"

"You're such a SICK BASTARD you. Look at, look, FUCK OFF Just, shut up!" Daenerys joined him now, trying to remove him.

"I AM TYRION LANNISTER!"

"Shut up! I don't give a FUCK who you are. This is MY BLOODY kingdom soon, shut up noooooow."

"Daenerys ya' wrinkley bitch."

"Aw, why ya' calling me that ya BEARDED MIDGET""

"I'm TRYING TO EMPHASISE the DANGER of the SITUATION."

"There's no dangers."

"THE PENISES OF THESE MONSTERS!"

"Why you talkin' aboot their fooken penises all the time?"

"THEY'RE INSERTING THEIR PENISES INTO THE ANUSES OF OUR ARMY!"

"I think you're a gay OLD BASTARD MAN'"

"VERY SEXUAL an'-"

"NO! No, why don't you just shut up?! You and you're fucking cock talk!"

"The king in the north is in danger of these PENIS DEMONS!"

"Look at that fucken Jon bastard, he's still at least six years from fucking puberty!" Acting as a protective barrier between the two now.

"JON SNOW!"

"No! You leave his little bottom alone, its mine!"

"JON, THEY'RE GONNA PENIS yer' BOTTOM" A look of pure terror appeared on Jon's face.

"Don't be scaring him like that."

"JON!" Tyrion addressed him directly

"The only thing that comes out your bottom is poo. You only want poo, coming out yer' bottom."

"YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL FROM THE PENISES!"

"Unsullied, Jon. Don't listen to the small fooker."

"BIG BULBOUS PENISES!"

"…my gods, what is wrong with you all?!"

"They're going to RUPTURE yer' ANAL CAVITY!"

"…he's talking a load a' SHIT!"

"YA BETTER WATCH OUT!"

"Look, I'm gonna fooken' fly off, if ya' carry on with this shit!"

"LISTEN DAENERYS ya' CHUBBY CUNT. The fuck is wrong wae yae ya' fucken DRAGON BITCH?!"

"Aw, why ya' callin' me that is it 'cos I can fly a fookin' dragon?"

"YER' A FUCKEN CUUUNNNT"

"Auch' aye yea, I know I'm a fookin' cunt, ya' BASTARD!"

D"WHY Y'NOT IN A CAGE?! YA FUCKEN ANIMAL!"

"em…? SHUT UP!"

"WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN THIS FUCKEN CASTLE WINTERFELL?"

"Y'KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NEVER GETTING A FUCKING BLOW JOB FAE ME AGAIN!"

"WHY DO I PAY YOU MONEY?"

"Y'DON'T YA FUCKEN MOULDY BASTARD!"

"YER' FUCKEN SHIT!"

"I do more in this castlethat anyone does!"

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK M8."

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 **Author's note:** This one doesn't work as well but still funny. Thanks to all who have reviewed.

 **Update:** Instead of sending me rude messages please don't say anything! Your mothers will be proud.


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